pain points

A few weeks ago, I thought about writing a post about my tendency and the tendency of others to compare our pain to other's pain. As so often happens, the topic arose on other blogs before I had a chance to write about it. Several blogs touched on the topic, which could be summed up as "whose pain is worse?"

Sometimes I think my own pain is pretty bad, but of course there is always a worse story. How valid is my pain? How does it compare to others?

It seems like there is usually some small part of me that is keeping a mental score sheet of who has it better, who has it worse. What if I took it a step further? What if there was a pain point chart for infertility? What if it went something like this:

Category I. This category is about time. I think so much of the pain of infertility comes with time. How long has your life been in this state of uncertainty and disappointment? Can you even remember a time when you believed that everything would work out the way you planned it? Points in this category would be awarded as follows:

100 points for the first year of no successful pregnancies
200 points for the second year
300 points for each subsequent year of infertility

Category II is about treatments and conditions.

100 points for each unsuccessful IUI -including chemical pregnancies
300 points for each failed IVF-including chemical pregnancies
100 points for male factor
100 points for female factor
200 points for unexplained infertility (the extra points for unexplained infertility are due to the lack of treatment plans available, but equal the same as male/female factors combined)

Category III Miscarriage
This is a tricky category because I know how painful it is to have a miscarriage and sometimes I wish I had never conceived the pregnancies that I lost, but I know that those that go through years of negative pregnancy tests wish they had the knowledge that they could even get pregnant. So I'll award points as follows:

100 points for each first trimester miscarriage
150 points for each second trimester miscarriage
100 points for each year (not including the first) that no confirmed pregnancy is achieved

Category IV
10,000 points for those that have lost a living child

Category V
You must deduct 500 points for each living child you have.

Category VI relates to external factors that you have to deal with on a weekly and/or daily basis
50 points for each child that is born to other family members while you are suffering from infertility
50 points for each child born to best friends (up to three friends) while you are suffering from infertility

And so on...There are a million more possible points to be allocated, but the whole idea just gets sicker and sicker. Because, needless to say, there is no measurement for pain. As much as western society feeds on competition and quantifying, it cannot be done when it comes to emotions. Nobody "wins" when it comes to grief. Pain just sucks, and if it dominates your life, it can be crippling. What I forget on occasion is that pain is not about what has happened to you, it is about where you are, how you feel. It's your view on the world. People that are clinically depressed and maybe even suicidal may have lives that from the outside appear perfectly okay. Does that make those peoples' pain less valid? Of course not.

My personal score on this idiotic point system would only be 350 (of course I had to do it - just because it was there.) Pretty low in the scheme of things, I have to admit. I know people who would have much, much higher "scores." But I don't feel any less sad because of that fact. And therein lies the biggest problem with comparison, it never makes you feel better. It's not about where you fall on the bell curve, it's about getting off the bell curve.

Comments

[bermuda]

I think that this is such an incredible post-mainly because I feel like we must have mind melded as I was going to post on this very topic tonight. But I gotta tell this is much better than I could ever pull off.
I just don't understand the need to tell another that "my pain is greater than your pain," like there is some reward for having the most pain. What I think is more telling, and more important in my book, is what you do with that pain. Do you get back up and trudge on, or does it sideline you and make you bitter, standing around bickering over who has the most pain? The way I see it, is if painful events earned us merit badges like in Girl Scouts, then I would want to hang out with the girls who have their sashes full, but still have a smile on their face and an open heart. And the ones that I really want to hang with are the ones that can laugh and tell jokes in spite of their heavy, cumbersome sash o' badges.

But this is coming from a gal who only scored 300 pain points.

All I can say is, I am glad to be in your Girl Scout Troop #4248.

-Janet

[Danae]

3,250 points here. Add another 50 in November when my sister gives birth to her daughter. My credit card company has a catalog from which I can choose gifts with the points I earn. Things like blenders and alarm clocks. You know, really nifty stuff. Wouldn't it be nice if our RE's offered the same sort of reward system?

[Marla]

2,050. But I think I would change child loss points to, uh, 10,000. I'm with Danae about getting something. Perhaps these can be milege points, as we have traveled a long way to earn so many points. Then we could fly somewhere exotic on Virgin Airlines and "just relax".

[Menita]

Very clever. And spot-on conclusion.

[patricia]

FYI, per Marla's suggestion I've changed the child loss category (which I couldn't even name, it is so awful) to 10,000 points...

[BabyBlues]

Excellent post! Beautifully said.

[Emily]

That was a very well done, thought provoking post.

[Marla]

Okay, Patricia, now that you have done that I think I should definately win a prize. Ya know, something useful like a penis amulet or palad khik.

Thanks for excellent post.

[Kris]

I think I'm at 1150, but not sure. Do stepkids count as living children? Even if they aren't mine and don't live with us? Cause then I would be in the negatives, but I don't want to say they don't count, they just aren't the same. Great post.

[patrica]

If you aren't the kids's mom, if you aren't legally their mother, stepkids do not count.

[wavery]

Great post.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Great post.

Every now and then my husband talk about redoing our kitchen. We make a list of the various expenses and as the numbers get bigger and bigger, we get scared and put the list away.

Similary, as I started to add my pain numbers up--especially the friend and family factor--the project got too daunting.

Sigh.

[Jen P]

It's a sick way we live our lives, so competitive. Just look at the Olympics with so many spectators booing just because there wasn't a single Greek in the competition. It made it so hard for those competing to actually get on with it and do their best. It shocked and apalled me and yet, I find it similar to the topic of this very brilliant post.

I look at so many brave women, each with their own struggle and feel so small. How dare I complain about the pain I feel? (Well, other than the daily physical pain, that one's easy to bitch about!) There are so many women who have lost so much and still manage to get on with life. And when we sit here, reading someone's mere words and feel the need to compare, aren't we just the same disrespectful spectators?

Because we're human and individual, we want some sort of acknowledgment that our pain is real. We're given the flick so many times everyday because of our infertility, grief is the only way it becomes real. And your right, pain sucks. It sucks ass.

I'm already at 1200 and I've never conceived.

[Tertia]

I swear I was going to post about this. In fact I lay awake from 4:23am till 5am writing up my post. Going back to actually read your whole post and work out my score. (as you know reading the whole post is a Big Thing for me). Well done!

[Tertia]

Oh lordy, how depressing. I am at 3550 points without including losing Ben. With Ben its 13,550. And thats a conservative view.

No fucking wonder I am on AD's. Wow. Its just hit home how much effin shit I have been through.

Ok, going to have to post about this on my own blog as well. Will reference your brilliance of course.

What a good post, but wow, takes your breath away.

[beaver girl]

Great post! I'm only a 550. I love the way you write.

[Karen]

1850.

Great post. I can't help comparing my pain, all the time. And then people tell me how happy I seem now that I'm adopting, and I wonder if I'm managing to escape it, or turn it into something good. I don't know yet. It seems like a lot of pain to carry around, to get rid of.

I hope we can all get through this. I think we will, somehow.

[Crista]

Thank you for this post!! I don't think I can add anything to what the others have said, but I just had to say something. :) Oh, and I'm at least grateful for the ladies I've met along this journey to help me through my pain, regardless of what level of pain we're all in at any given moment! Thank God for sarcasm, wit, and good senses of humor.

[Anna H.]

2,800.

And God, seeing those higher numbers just breaks my heart. They all break my heart, really.

This was a great post. I'm with the points earned on tropical vacations idea! We have to get _something_ out of all of this, right?

xxoo

[Whichever]

3.650.

Great post, thank you.
And good luck to every one.

[Kendra]

1500.

Though, now that we've started the adoption process I don't feel it so acutely.

[Janis]

8020

[Debe]

I stopped trying at 1400 points, I guess that was my pain limit on the issue.
And I agree, step kids don't count, unless you want to give me extra points for raising my 17 yr old step daughter?

[Debe]

I added wrong, it was 1500, nice even number

Great post

[maricar]

Awesome post. 1550 here.