here's to the people that get it

I bitch a lot about the people that don't get it. The people that sweep infertility under the rug, the people that will never understand that your heart is getting ripped out and stomped on all over, not just once but repeatedly and cyclically. With every goddamned miscarriage or every failed ivf or just every goddamned month. The people that talk about themselves at funerals. (Side note: Julia I'm so sorry that you have to be within 100 miles of that woman when you're going through such hell right now.)

Yesterday I was reminded of how much I value the people that get it. What amazes me is that sometimes these people have empathy that defies reason. For example, I went to my book group last night. The woman who hosted, a very old old friend whom I've known for over 20 years (horrors! I am that old) has three beautiful girls under the age of 6. She is a stay at home mom (for now) and is thrilled to be doing it. She is also, expectedly, exhausted and overwhelmed with everything that that entails. You'd think I couldn't stand to be around her. But you'd be wrong, and last night she gave me another reason to appreciate her.

When everyone else had left she said to me, "I was at IKEA the other day and thought of you. I couldn't believe how many pregnant women were there. Everyone was fucking pregnant. Looking at baby shit with their husbands. If I were you I don't know how I could stand it. It's fucking irritating " Then she added "It makes me think about how much pain I must have caused people with fertility issues just by walking around with a big ass belly for the last 6 years." With three small children, how does she even have the brain space to have such empathy? Frankly, I don't know if I would if I were in the same shoes. But I love her for it. Six months ago when another book club member announced her pregnancy, the first thing my friend send to me when we carpooled home was "Like you really wanted to hear that. Shit. That just sucks." She really does swear like that, which I also love.

The people that get it are burned into my brain. There was the business associate in front of whom I broke down the day I found out my second pregnancy was not viable. I've known this guy for a long time, and we definitely share personal information, but we are not tight. When I told him what was going on, he said, very quietly, "I know what it's like when life doesn't turn out the way you plan." He then proceeded to tell me about his beautiful, intelligent, 16 year old son who had decided to become a street person just to see if he could do it. The son was smoking a lot of pot, begging, and spending time in dumpsters. My friend didn't know shit about infertility, but he knew a lot about grief, worry and depression. He got it, and I will remember him and that day forever.

There was my OB who came in on his day off to do my D and C for the third miscarriage, and who called my husband personally to schedule it.

There was my gay boss, who would be absolutely repelled if he could even smell a dirty diaper, much less have to touch one, who made a point of saying to me " I am so sorry this has happened to you. It must be unimaginably awful."

There was another male co-worker, with whom I share office space, who looked like he would cry when I told him that my third miscarriage was a girl with Downs.

The friend that called and said "I cannot believe how incredibly terrible you must feel at this moment."

And of course there are my two best friends - they know who they are - who have held my hand, cracked jokes, brought me home from surgery (on one occasion, when my husband could not be there), rented stupid chick flick videos and watched them with me. They've gotten drunk with me, retail therapied with me, and listened to me whine for hours. And hours. My love and gratitude knows no bounds.

And there are so many more that I know I am forgetting right now.

When you are going through a hard time, it becomes pretty easy to separate the wheat from the chaff. You can see clearly who the good ones are. I salute all the good ones, everywhere.

Comments

[Crista]

I absolutely love it when someone finds (and points out) the light in all of the darkeness. These people are the light, and I only wish we ALL had more like them in our lives. I'm so grateful for the people in mine like these that you describe, and sometimes I need reminders that they've been there. Jesus, I'm crying. What's wrong with me this morning? Thanks for this, too. :)

[Emily]

That was such a beautiful post. I don't have many friends who 'get' it, but the few that do, I cherish with all my heart and I never let a moment to remind them of that ever slip by (even if it's just a simple card to say hello).

You're lucky to have so many nice people who are so supportive in your life.

[Marla]

I salute all the good ones, everywhere.

Amen.

[bermuda]

Can you see me right now? Oh you can't??? Well I am saluting YOU!

And in the words of the immortal Debbie Boone "You light up my life".

And I am really glad that you have people that "get it" in your life.

*cheers*

[Tertia]

Amen sista.

[soper]

Parallel lives ... are we in the same book club?

[Julianna]

What a beautiful post!

The "wheat from the chaff" is so incredibly true.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.