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February 18, 2005

Comments

libby

Argh is right. I saw that article too, and was wondering, "what about his adoptive parents?" the entire time. You had to dig deep to find a mention of them, and they raised him for his ENTIRE LIFE. And what about the article calling him Michael for the first 2/3 of it? Blech. His name is Andrew, for God's sake. (at least I think it was Andrew).

From this and your school selection post I am thinking we live in the same place. (I promise I'm not stalking you, really!) I love your blog and am glad you decided to keep writing.

Soper

I, I think I love you.

chris

Great post. I really hate it when stories like this barely mentioned the adoptive parents, because you know what? They are his parents. Yes, the bio ones are too. But they didn't raise him. It's really easy to step in when the kid is 26 and you haven't had the hassle of late night feedings, the terrible twos and the teen years. What about a little bit of credit for them?

And what the fuck? They got pregnant that fast. At that age? And have all those other kids? Makes for an interesting family reunion, I'm sure.

Emily

Argh is right.

Menita

Argh - barf - argh.

moogielou

I read this too. When I did the math, I almost puked.

Heidi

I think I saw these people on Oprah. (Which I watch maybe once a month. Lucky me to catch it on this particular day.) It absolutely nauseated me. Especially when they showed one measly picture of the adoptive parents and said, as an aside, that he had a great life with them. It really did make it sound as if he had simply been "held" there until his real life could begin. It's disgusting really.

And as you said, I'm not trying to lesson the experience of finding his bio parents, and I do think it's nice how they got together again after their history together. I just wish the adoptive parents weren't always pushed so far into the background in stories such as this one.

Marla

I saw this on Oprah, too. They made no mention of the other children-- but then, that wouldn't make a happy ever ending story, would it? The boy did say he had a very happy life with his a-parents, but the story wasn't about that. Not to be cynical, but given their histories I wonder how long it's going to last. No one can go back in time, not even after finding your birth child.

Tiffanni

OMG, thank you for writing this. I hadn't heard the story, but you are right. Does that story come with a barf bag?
The whole thing just makes me sad.

akeeyu

Hey, where were you when I was reading this exact article to Sam and pausing every three paragraphs to start swearing?

Sonetka

I read that article too - though I don't remember the bit about him not finding out he was adopted until he was sixteen. (I do remember that a photo of him at sixteen was pointed out to the birthmom). And like everyone else here, I thought: Gag me. Here are two marginally responsible adults whose main accomplishments in life seem to be their functioning reproductive systems, and yet they're worshipped above the kid's ADOPTIVE PARENTS WHO RAISED HIM because gosh, y'know, blood is what makes a real family!

And of course the cynical bitch in me wonders how well their newly-re-established relationship will hold up to the stress of dealing with a newborn. Just saying. It's mean, I know. Forget it.

jen

Not to mention which, this sort of crap raises unreasonable expectations for every adopted kid who has fantasies about their "real parents." "I'm going to find them and they will be great and they'll get married and live happily ever after!" How many of these kids are prepared to deal when their birth parents turn out to not be so great?

Lisa

Dr. Phil had a show about reuniting adoptees and their biological parents on just a month or so ago. I was really very pleased that he introduced the adoptive parents in each case, calling them "the real heroes", and basically just stressing that your parents are the people who RAISED you, and that biology, while the bond it brings shouldn't be discounted in any way, isn't the be-all and end-all of what makes a parent.

Joanne

Yes -- everytime I see one of these stories I want to hurl. Blech.

Julia S

I have come back to this post of yours about five times without leaving a comment. Because what I really want to say is this:

We found my husband's birthmother about four years ago and, while Steve is very very pleased to finally have met her and gotten a chance to meet her family and communicate with his birthfather (drops voice to a whisper) we cannot stand her.

I read this to Steve and we tried to visualize his being in the same circumstances and we laughed until we wept. Really. Then we called his Dad (his real Dad, the Dad who raised him) to make sure they were still coming out in March.

Becki

I am neither adopted, nor have I adopted a child. But my sympathies when I hear stories like these always seem to fall with the adoptive parents. It really does seem as though many people consider them "placeholders," which just breaks my heart. If I were considering adoption, particularly domestic adoption, I probably wouldn't pursue it for that reason. Not because I couldn't love an adopted child like one I gave birth to; I know that I could. But because I could love an adopted child with all my heart, and still be considered by many to be not his "real" mom.

Christine

I read that article, too, and the whole thing, especially the last line, just left a bad taste in my mouth. Maybe it's just the way it was written, but it doesn't sound like the bio parents are giving the adoptive parents the credit they deserve - if the kid is a great human being, that's because of the way he was raised.

jacks

>

Yes, that's exactly what bothers me about stories like these. That the family who adopts a child is portrayed as a placeholder. I will fully support my son if he decides to contact his birthmother. I imagine the emotions would be complex, but if he decided to do it, I would be behind him. I'd say that it's offensive how the media colors stories like these, but right now, I just really find it hurtful. That's because I can't ever picture my son referring to me as his "adoptive mother" or his "adoptive family." I am his mother. For me, there's no qualifier.

Maybe I'm naive to think this. But right now, that's all I have.

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