sneak attack

I am so not okay. One would think after all this time I could be okay. That I could be even blase, that the sneak pregnancy attack would be like flies against my infertility armor.

So why does it hurt so much? I had dinner with some friends last night, mom neighbors and a couple of women from my original newborn group. They invite me to these things and I go, but I don't really have that much fun. It's a little boring. Most of them don't drink, which sadly, is a little bit of an issue for me. I'm a moderate drinker, but having a "girl party' without a glass of wine or two is just not as much fun.

So I didn't think about it when I was the only one that ordered a beer. Fortunately, another friend showed up a half hour later and ordered a glass of wine so I didn't feel like a complete pariah. I did think that one of the women, Alice, looked pregnant, but she was sitting down, with a table in front of her and she tends towards a rubenesque figure normally. In passing, and almost inaudibly, one of the other women commented that keeping the kids occupied this summer was going to be difficult "with three." Not "with a newborn" or "with no sleep." I looked at Alice and thought that she must be pregnant. But Alice didn't respond to the "with three" comment. And nobody else said a word about it. No one asked her about her pregnancy, not once did she comment on weeks or due dates, or how much harder having three might be. So I thought, "Well, maybe Alice is just getting chubbier." I hadn't seen her in three or four months. I thought I had misheard the previous comment, or perhaps a cousin was coming to stay for a while this summer.

It wasn't until almost two hours into the dinner that Alice mentioned that she couldn't eat any ice cream because of the diabetes. Gestational diabetes. She's due in less than three fucking months.

How much of an ass did I feel like now? Everybody had been dancing around the elephant in the room and I didn't even know it. I blurted out that I hadn't realized that she was pregnant and sheepish reddened faces cropped up around the table.

How come it's so much worse to be treated like a child? Yeah, it hurts. And this one hurts especially because Alice's middle son was born a month before my first miscarriage was due. I remember how hard it had been to see her expanding belly and thinking, "I should be that pregnant." With that first miscarriage those pregnant bellies were the most excruciating. And now Alice, who turned 40 a month after she got pregnant is having a third. A girl. She's a year older than when I had my first miscarriage and the same age as when I had miscarriages two and three.

But would I rather have known and have it be a topic of conversation at dinner? Yes, yes, yes. It's much better to included than to be protected. To be treated as an object of pity immediately puts one on the outside. This is group I don't even particularly want to be a part of, and I still felt like shit.

I was particularly annoyed with the one woman in the group whom I see regularly. She's from Japan, and consequently excruciatingly polite. I know with 100% certainty that she has consciously avoided mentioning this little fact to me. If she only knew how much better us infertiles and habitual miscarriers do with a little warning. It gives us time to adjust and put on our game faces. Having a six-month fetus crop up suddenly in the middle of dinner is inordinately worse.

I came home and cried like I haven't cried in a long time. Everything seemed so dark. My husband hugged me and said "I'm sorry" and "I wish I could make it better," and I wanted to scream "You could let me try one more time! We could start adopting! It takes a long time!" But I didn't. Because there really is no magic pill. I don't know if I could get pregnant. I know that if I could I would likely miscarry. I know that if we adopted, this kind of pain would not evaporate. But Chris (at barefoot and... - I'm too lazy to link) is right when she says that it can be more depressing to not try, then to try and fail.

Yes, on some days, I am not okay at all.

Comments

[Julianna]

Ditto everything.

It is so very difficult sometimes.

[DinoD]

If I lived closer, I would meet you for a good stiff drink (none of this single glass of wine - I'm old enough to know better).
Can't say as I'm a great admirer of the women you went to dinner with. What was the point of not telling you prior to the dinner - "Hey, lets pretend to be worried about how she'll take it and then lets just let it slip where we can all watch how she takes it."
Sorry - I'm probably inserting too much of my own bitterness here. Maybe I'll just go and have that drink by myself.
DinoD

[millie]

The sneak attacks are the worst. When everyone knows but you it just hurts even more.

[Julie]

"It's much better to included than to be protected. To be treated as an object of pity immediately puts one on the outside."

YES. It is easy to feel verrrrry small when you see women exchanging those LOOKS across the table.

I'm sorry you had a rotten time of it.

[carosgram]

It always hurt more when the people who should know us underestimate our compassion, understanding and strength. They should have known you better and trusted that you could and would be happy for others. I continue to hope that you will find some resolution for yourself.

[vashni]

Patricia that totally sucks. I have been there as well and it is not fun. Mostly because there is a huge implication that there is something wrong with you which, there isn't. You were dealt a really shitty card reproductively but you are an intact human being with feelings and a little heads up would have been the right thing to do. Maybe some new friends who enjoy a proper drink are in order.

-sending you a hug,

Vashni

[Lut C.]

That was your last outing with that gang, right? What an awfull night.
Unbelievable that none of them had the courtesy to give you a heads-up. No, let's take the easy way and ambush her. Ugh.

[Anna H.]

I'm sorry. I hear you, I so hear you.

And your last paragraph just about broke my heart. It hit so close to home...

Thinking of you.

xxoo

[Dead Bug]

I am so sorry. That feeling of being an emotional invalid, someone to be protected and insulated, is excruciating. So much worse than just getting the truth.

Much love to you,
Bugs

[Orodemniades]

Must you meet up with them anymore? Maybe just one or two?

I'm sorry, that's such a sucky thing to have happen to you, and it takes time to 'just get over it'. I'm not sure the bitterness ever goes away, though...

[Natalie]

I hear ya. Sometimes people, even people we love and who love us, suck. Meet you at the bar...let's go get pissed.

[Alex/ Infertile Gourmet]

I was really sorry to read this. It made me feel very sad. I know for such a long time that we did nothing to move forward on having children was worse in some ways than the cycles that failed. It was a dead space with no hope. I am so very sorry that it still hurts and their is no hope of it happening. I wish I could say something else to make it better but I know that I cannot. I am thinking ofyou.

[zarqa]

I know these feelings exactly. A co-worker did the same thing at a group meeting where everyone knew she was pregnant but me. They do tiptoe around you and it is tons more respectful to be included than protected. But in the end the news would have hurt regardless of how it was delivered. Me, I make the effort to talk about my co-workers' pregnancies (there are two right now), share my experiences etc. but that's no good either because me having had a stillbirth am a pariah, who would want advice or pregnancy anecdotes from me? I'm their worst nightmare. So ultimately, I ignore pregnant people and they ignore me. That's the way it's going to be from now on I think. Probably even after I do get pregnant. Because shit like this, you can't really forgive.

[chris]

I have had this happen several times and it always stings. The last time, my own husband did it to me. That was the worst, like saying he knew I couldn't handle it. Yeah, because it's so much better to be blindsided by something like that in public.

I'm sorry.