I will never be pregnant again. I never will hope and wish and pray for the health of my unborn child. I will never have to face the measuring and dating of another lifeless fetal sac. I will never have to hear that the baby's heart stopped beating 5 days ago. But I will also never again know the joy of a watching a healthy baby doing somersaults in my belly at a 16 week ultrasound.
I realize that this is old news to anyone that has read my blog for any length of time. My husband told me 16 months ago that he would never, ever, not in a million years, attempt to conceive another child with me. It was too painful and anxiety ridden. He could not take one more miscarriage, one more lost dream.
After briefly contemplating divorce (seriously, I didn't know if I could forgive him.) I realized it was stupid to give up ten years of marriage for something that I could probably never attain anyways. So I said "Fine. Done. I will not ask you again. I will give up my dreams of another child, if that is what needs to be done to preserve what we have."
And it was a good decision. We needed to stop. We needed to rest. We needed to become unpolarized and remember that we were a team, not adversaries.
But the thing is, even though I agreed to stop trying, I really wasn't willing to give up my dream. I was agreeing to give in. An important difference.
A couple does not try halfway to get pregnant, especially after four plus miscarriages and having recently reached the ripe old age of 40. You either are trying to conceive or not. Black or white. So I landed on the side of not trying. I still wished, but at that point my husband would have rather given up sex (at least until I was in menopause) than risk the heartache of another miscarriage. It was so much harder on him than I realized at the time.
But I hoped that he would change his mind, I hoped that with time maybe he could try one more time or that he would embrace adoption. Earlier this year, right before I turned 42, I broke my promise to him and asked him if he would ever consider trying again. He told me that he "just. couldn't imagine. it. " Last month he told me that he didn't want any part of miscarriage, ever again. Nothing has changed since last year, there is no going back.
We take what we can bear each day, and at that time I couldn't bear more than just "not trying." I knew that eventually I probably would have to face this reality, but as I creep ever closer to acceptance, it is still hard. I have given away a lot of baby things, but there are more things that I have not given away. I can't quite do it.
And I think it is because I still have hopes for adoption. Lately my husband has mentioned adoption on his own, without my prompting. But don't misinterpret that fact. He brings it up not out of any burning desire he has to adopt, but because he hopes it will heal the hole that my pregnancy losses have indeliby left on my psyche. It's not that he dislikes the idea of adoption, quite the contrary. But it's expensive, it's a hassle, it's almost as scary has having a biological baby, and, in some ways, even scarier. There are the financial implications of paying for two kids educations, and piano lessons, and soccer, and dance, and blah, blah, blah. Life is easier with one child. If someone handed my husband and me a healthy child, he would be delighted. He would love the child deeply and not regret its arrival. But for him, seeking a child out seems like more trouble than it's worth.
So it speaks to his kindness and heart that he is willing to bring up the subject of adoption up on his own. If I was going to put a percentage chance on our moving ahead with adoption (and my husband knows I like to do this kind of thing, don't ask me why.) I would place it at about 25%, up from about .5% fifteen months ago. It's not going to happen now. While my Mother-in-law was ill my husband was, for the most part, unemployed. We feel lucky that he was able to spend the time with her. But now we have to build up the bank account again. We need to get back on solid ground, if there is such a thing.
But, as I give up my hope of giving birth to a live child, I will cling to this dream for a while longer. And in the event that it does happen I thought I could use this time to do some anecdotal research. I have read several adoption books, and for chrissakes, am adopted myself, so I have a few ideas about what it is like. But I would love some advice.
I'd like to hear from friends and/or readers that have adopted internationally. I would love to receive personal emails about what agencies they used, how they came to their decisions to adopt internationally, and how they decided on a country. I would like to hear about outcomes. At what age did their children come to them, and how was attachment? I love the idea of adopting a 8 month to 15 month old (I never did like the newborn phase), but I worry about problems with attaching. How long did it take to bond? If you are a multiracial family - how is that going? Do you have biological and adopted children? I would love to hear from you especially.
Personally, I am very drawn to adopting from Vietnam. My husband and I travelled there together, and were extremely touched by the children living on the streets there. We wanted to take them home well before we were trying to have a child. My brother-in-law is married to a Japanese woman, and they live in Japan, so an asian child makes some sense. I am just past the age deadline for Korea, and China seems a little stopped up right now. So anyone that has adopted from Vietnam, or is currently adopting I would love to hear from. What was your agency? How did things go? Any information on the orphanages fostering systems there? I am particularly drawn to northern Vietnam for sentimental reasons. Please email any personal experience that you think may be valuable. Guatemala is also of interest to me, being geographically closer and with a native language that I have some knowledge of, and could certainly could become more proficient at speaking. Thanks in advance for anything you have to share. I am hopeful that it will become useful to me.
The adoption.com web site is run by extremely right-wing folks but unfortunately it's also the best adoption resource on the 'net as far as gathering in real life info. It might be worth lurking a bit on the international boards just to get an idea. I have a friend adopting from Ethiopia right now (she did a domestic adoption with her son) and it looks like a fairly easy process and they will get a daughter who will be less than a year old. There are, of course, unique issues to Ethiopia (many of the children are malnourished, for example, and both parents need to travel -- they will be bringing their son so that means some extra planning). They're using Dove.
Also I wanted to invite you to come be a part of the AnotherChild.com blog. I'm hoping to really bring in diverse voices/stories/resolutions and you would be so very welcome there!!!
Posted by: Dawn | June 08, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Patricia-We adopted our dd from China in 2003 and she was 12.5 months old the day we met her. The wait time for China now is getting close to what it was for us back then.
I know that our agency's Vietnam program just recently reopened.
Feel free to email me and I will share more re. our experiences with our agency as well as dd's adjustment and attachment to us.
Posted by: Theresa | June 08, 2006 at 05:49 PM
My husband and I adopted from Guatemala and it was a fantastic experience. We went through Jewish Family & Children Services (you do not have to be Jewish to use them) and they were a dream to work with. We brought our son home at 5 months old.
I will say that there are some serious problems facing Guatemalan adoptions right now. If you like - we can discuss them offline.
I wish you all of the luck in the world. It's not an easy road to travel but you are already used to a hard road. You may have some peace in knowing that at the end of this process, you will have a child. I know it did for me.
Posted by: Julie | June 08, 2006 at 05:52 PM
I am so pleased that you are able to look into the other options.
My husband is still not there.....sigh.
Thinking of you,
Posted by: Julianna | June 08, 2006 at 08:27 PM
Having a dream to cling to is good.
The closest thing I've done to research on adoption, is read some adoption blogs. Maybe next year I'll start looking into it more.
Posted by: Lut C. | June 09, 2006 at 12:54 PM
I've read some books, done a bit of research, but less than you, probably so I'm no help. But I wanted to say that I'm glad you're thinking about this. It all seemed so un-closed for you last year.
Posted by: thalia | June 10, 2006 at 03:42 AM
A member at our church adopted from Vietnam six (??) years ago, and brought home a very young infant. Five months? Younger? He (single father) was very happy with his agency and the in-country adoption process. But it's my understanding that the process has changed lately, so I look forward to reading more as you do your research.
I would be so happy for you if you decided to move forward with this. Best wishes!
Posted by: Jody | June 10, 2006 at 05:53 AM
I have no experience but wanted to say I'm so pleased to see you moving in this new, hopefully positive, direction. It's a long road (my sister has two domestically adopted kids), but it has it's own rewards.
Posted by: Donna | June 10, 2006 at 12:20 PM
Mostly a lurker. We have a son (biological) born in 1997 and a daughter (born in 2002) who was adopted from Eastern Europe in 2003. In between them, I had 4 miscarriages between 10 and 17 weeks gestation. Two months ago I had miscarriage #5. Our daughter was not a second choice. She was not second best. She was a second chance for us to have another child. International adoption isn't easy and, like pregnancy, there are no guarantees. If you choose to pursue it, you will never regret it--even the hard parts. Your child is YOUR CHILD, no matter how they arrive in your arms.
Posted by: Kammi | June 12, 2006 at 08:06 AM
Hi. Check out Bring Me Mia. I link to her on my blog. She's a wonderful person, one of my Thursday night Resolve buddies; I'm sure she wouldn't mind you emailing her.
Posted by: chris | June 12, 2006 at 04:55 PM
Oh, I did want to mention that with Vietnam, the wait is shorter than China and that the babies are younger. Apparently, the US got together with Vietnamese officials and worked out some kinks in the program, so it's a highly efficient machine.
Good luck. I think this is wonderful news and I'm hoping a certain someone comes around to 100%.
Posted by: chris | June 12, 2006 at 04:57 PM
We adopted a 15 month old girl from Russia last October. We chose Russia because I have Russian heritage, the age of the child (at the time we started the process children were generally 6-8 months old at time of adoption but law changed mid-way through so now generally are toddlers). I was very hesitant about the two trip requirement but it turned out to be OK. We used an agency in our state (CT). We went to a few information sessions at different agencies and liked this one the best.
We have had no issues with attachment and our daughter was in good health when we adopted her. The only issue is that she is very small- which apparently is typical of kids from Russia. We did find out that her birth mom is very petite herself so since she is healthy we figure she is just going to be small. Our daughter is an absolute joy and we are so happy we adopted. We are hoping to adopt again in a year or so. Best of luck to you.
Posted by: kathy c | June 13, 2006 at 04:29 AM
Hi there,
I stumbled upon your blog through Spinarella's and wanted to let you know that I have a virtual friend who is adopting from Vietnam. They're not too far into the process, but far enough that you might want to check out her blog to see what they've faced and how things are turning out. You can find her at http://ourttc2journey.blogspot.com/
Lots of luck to you - I hope your dream comes true.
Posted by: msfitzita | June 27, 2006 at 06:52 PM
I'm sorry.
Posted by: chris | July 18, 2006 at 01:37 PM
Hi, my husband and I are in the process of adopting a baby girl from Vietnam. You can request age and gender if you desire, the time frames are better than most, and so far it has been smooth. We are waiting for a referral. Our agency is Dillon International and we have found them to be terrific.
Posted by: tricia | September 07, 2006 at 07:21 PM