nowhere land

I've been feeling a little sorry for myself this week. Sad and lonely. Which is kinda weird, given that I have such great friends, a wonderful and healthy husband and child, a well paid and flexible work situation, a nice home, and no serious financial pressures.

Nonetheless, even the privileged have the capacity to bemoan their situations, and feel alone in the world.

This is what echoed in my mind this week: I have no parents. I have no baby; no three year old, or two year old, or one year old. A friend sent me a note when my Dad died, and commented to me how comforting it was to have her newborn (her second child) when her mother had died. It was her way of saying "use the time with your son as solace," but of course it reminded me that I don't have that second baby that I thought I would have, that could comfort me now.

I also have no kitchen, it's been ripped out for two months now. And as all kitchen remodels seem to go, things have been delayed. The floors had to redone. Twice. That put us behind about ten days. And when the cabinets were installed this week it was discovered that two of the cabinets were mismeasured. And so the schedule pushes another week. Having no kitchen and workers in your home all the time is disorienting and discombobulating.

Three years ago we refinanced and took some cash specifically to remodel our ancient kitchen. We are finally doing it, and seeing the money flow out has made me a little ill. And I keep thinking about how I rather would be adopting than getting a new kitchen.

Don't get me wrong, I will love the new kitchen, and frankly it's been a nice thing to think about in the midst of all this sadness. Choosing paint colors is much more invigorating than choosing memorial locations for your parents.

I'm just sad. There has been so much loss in the last three and a half years. Four+ miscarriages, the deaths of my mother, my father, my husband's mother, my husband's uncle, my bio-father, and a good friend who died suddenly a year ago. One of my best friend's father died in a horrible accident less than 24 hours before my Dad passed away. I've been to four funerals and not one goddamned wedding this year.

And now that all the hubbub has died down, and all the mourners have gone home, my husband and I trying to find a new normal. In the midst of all the stress of the last few years, my husband left a very profitable partnership because the other partners were so highly dysfunctional that my husband was literally losing his mind. Note to self: Never go into a business with a manic and highly addictive personality. So now, after taking so much time off to be with his mom, he is starting all over again. Finding new ways to make a living. My husband is excellent at what he does and highly respected by his peers, but transition is always stressful. Between losing his mom, tending to his Dad, and worrying about Making Money, he doesn't have a lot of energy to worry about my issues right now.

I think the losses makes me want to adopt more than ever. An interesting thing has happened in the last several months. While I still feel pangs of jealousy over pregnant women, and notice them wherever I go, the idea of being pregnant myself has started to become less appealing. All the things that I would have to worry about with my history and age seem just too overwhelming. Spending anywhere from 2 to 9 months in constant anxiety doesn't sound so great. Don't get me wrong, every time I hear of a successful pregnancy in a 40 to 44 year old, the old desire creeps in to try - just one more time. But I seem to have crested the peak of that desire.

Adoption, on the other hand becomes ever more appealing. The fact that a baby will already exist in the world that needs a home has always seemed so great to me. Skipping the newborn phase, while it can have some serious negatives, is appealing on many levels. Having the whole family go through the adoption process seems like a great lesson and opportunity for all of us. For me it could be a chance to give something that I was not given as an adoptee; a (relatively) sane mother. For my son it could be a lesson in alternative family building, for my husband a chance to get a glimpse of what my life has been like. And of course the biggest appeal of all, experiencing another childhood.

But until my husband gets back into a work rhythym, which could take anywhere from two six months, we cannot even consider adoption. And even then, will he ever really be ready to commit to such a huge responsiblity?

So I wait, wondering if my desire will go away with time. And then I wonder if the desire will stay and time will just go away and it will get to the point where we just seem Too Old and it is all Too Hard, and I'll regret that we didn't try to adopt earlier. You just never know, do you?

Comments

[Leggy]

I am sorry you have been through so much in such a short time- it really does take years for a new normal to be defined after so much death in rapid succession. And I hear you on just wanting to so desparately to have another child to love and hold- shouldn't you at least be granted that if you have to go through all this pain? It is just too cruel of life/God/the fates to take away so much and not give anything to ease the pain.

I hear you lady, on all fronts (grief, wanting to adopt, wondering, as I approach 9 years of infertility if we'll ever be done, etc.) Sending hugs!

[Donna]

Of course its important for both parents to be on the same page when embarking on something as huge as adoption, and I hope you won't consider this assvice, but keep in mind that it is a LONG process. And you (and your life) will never be completely ready for the adoption process to start/be in the middle of/end. The one thing you will know going in is that you WILL bring home a baby, which is a hell of a lot more than the old-fashioned way can say for itself. (P.S. Forgive the grammatical errors and dangling participles, its been a hard day.)

[Jody]

You never know. Hopefully you'll have good friends all along the road, though.

I'm sorry there's been such a deluge of grief and loss. I hope the kitchen turns around, the adoption paperchase goes smoothly, and you're in a much different, much better place soon.

[millie]

I'm so very sorry that you've had so very many losses in a short span.

I can overly relate to getting the kitchen done. I know when I was in the midst of mine, I just craved a day without workers. And the money! It just flew out the new windows and new doors.

I read the Infertile Gourmet's blog these days and all I see is happiness and joy there. And want to get me some of that. Sounds like you do as well.

[Lut C.]

I hope things return to normal soon, after all the things you've been through.

Adoption is on my mind now and again. I haven't started researching it yet. I'm keeping that for next year.

[carosgram]

Life sucks! Especially when it decides to 'pile on' the heartaches. You really are doing great dealing with all of it but it can seem like an unending stream of loss and disappointments - like a rainstorm that never goes away. The fact that you can still write about these things is a good sign. I know it is a cliche but 'this too shall pass'. And we will still be here for you.