I have not dropped off the face of the earth, although I kind of felt like it for a while.
I don't have the time now to write a long post but one has been brewing for weeks.
The bottom line is that I am tired and sad. The dark cloud that has followed our family has not departed yet - the stress of getting laid off in the middle of kitchen remodel just about sent me over the edge, or maybe it almost sent my husband over the edge, which in turn, sent me to the precipice as well. Watching money drain out of savings at an alarming rate, with no money coming in, is a very sick feeling.
A very good friend's best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer recently, it looks like she has a good chance of recovery, but will have a mastectomy soon. This is the same friend that lost her best friend from childhood five years ago to lung cancer.
My stepmother broke her leg last Thursday, and is completely incapacitated. She's driving me crazy.
I miss my Dad, I miss him the way he was before dementia. And I miss the calming and evening presence of my Mother-in-law. My husband constantly worries about his Dad because he is so very, very lonely without his wife of 49 years and 9 months. Sometimes his Dad just calls my husband up and starts bawling. It's unbearably sad. And my husband gets put in the position of feeling like he needs to save his Dad's life.
On top of everything, almost two years later (in November) I am still feeling the anguish of my miscarriages. As my son begins first grade, I see all the younger siblings that my son could have had, the three year olds, the two year olds and the one year olds. I have progressed from my dark days, but I have not progressed that far. I am left with a vague feeling of sadness that I have come to believe will never go away. I no longer remember my due dates as they pass, but different things remind me of my losses. Almost all of my infertile friends have moved on. Two or three have left it altogether because they just can't take it. And I can't say as I blame them. Most of my infertile friends have or will have babies either through birth or adoption. I feel lonely where I once felt safe.
Getting laid off just postpones any hopes for adoption right now. Getting financially secure again feels very far away.
I guess sometimes things happen in threes, or in my case, tens. Can someone make it stop now, please?
