Wednesday Night TV

Wednesday night is the only TV night of the week that I care about. I don't know what airs on all the other nights of the week. I certainly coudn't tell you what time any of those other programs air, except for shows like The Daily Show, because they are on every day. But on Wednesday's at 10pm, on Bravo, I watch Project Runway. I plan around Project Runway. I look forward to it.

Sometimes I grab my cup of tea and watch the 9pm rerun of Oprah, and then switch over to Bravo at ten. I love that, it's my definition of "me" time.
Last Wednesday Elizabeth Edwards was on Oprah. Here's her new book: http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Graces-Finding-Strength-Strangers/dp/0767925378/sr=8-1/qid=1159562755/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-1185054-6436110?ie=UTF8&s=books. I see it's number three on the amazon best seller list, so I guess a few of you know about. In brief, it's about the death of her son, who was killed in an auto accident when he was sixteen, about her breast cancer, and about loss. Ultimately the book is about how we cannot survive these things alone. It's about how we need to reach out to others, and to those that have been through similar experiences to help us heal. Since I bawled during half the show, I probably won't be reading it. But a lot of what she talked about, I feel like I have already been through. No, I haven't lost a child (if I was religious, this is where I would be fervently crossing myself), but recurrent miscarriage is it's own major grief. When she talked about finding support groups on the internet, I sure related to that. I used to think blogs were silly. I thought "Really? These Bloggers really write about all the details of their personal life? REALLY?" And then, in my big ol' sea of grief, I found lifeboats in Getup Grrl, Julie and Tertia. I needed so desperately to connect with another human being that understood what I was going through, and through the internet, I found a bunch of them. The relief was visceral. It was the beginning of healing for me.

Elizabeth also talked about how so many people say the wrong thing when such devastating things happen, and how a friend said to her "Remember, people will say the wrong thing, but they really are trying to say the right thing." This is an excellent thing to remember. It is worth noting, however, that there are occasional cases when people act like they are trying to say something nice, but underneath they are passive aggressively telling you to "quit your bitching." it can be a very fine line. I suppose in the end, it is not really worth out energy to get worked up about it though, which is maybe the best thing of all to remember.

She talked about how people are scared to mention the name of her dead son, when in fact most parents (and she qualifies that not everyone feels the same way) who lose a child long to hear the name of that child on other peoples' lips. They do not want their child to become invisible, just because she or he is no longer living. Much as my aunt, twenty years after my cousin's death, was anxious to hear anything I might remember about her son, Peter. My miscarriages did not have names. But I honestly am filled with a sense of gladness when people are not scared to mention my losses. In doing so they acknowledge my pain, and also make it clear that they do not pity me, but rather have some empathy for my grief. I do not want to have gone through all that I have, only to have my miscarraiges be something dark and secret that can only be mentioned shamefully. I don't want to pretend like they never happened

I felt like Eizabeth's husband, John Edwards, was speaking through me when Oprah asked him why they decided to have more children. He said " We knew couldn't replace our son, we never would have tried, but we also knew that children had brought us great joy, and we wanted more of that. Our daughter was going to leave home in a few years, and we didn't want it to end." Um, yeah. Bingo. Couldn't have said better myself.

There was one niggling thing about Elizabeth though. She had her third and fourth children at 48 and 50. If she's going to talk about tapping into the community and reaching out to one another, lightly mentioning the fact that she learned to "never give up hope" when it came to conceiving is vastly misleading. Of course we all know that there is virtually 100% chance that those babies did not come from her eggs. And it's none of our business how she came by her children. But if she's putting herself out there as someone who is trying to help others learn how to process their grief, and glossing over the hell of assisted reproductive techniques, simply saying "don't give up hope!" is pretty fucking alienating to those who have been through it. I'm just sayin'. But of course she's recovering from breast cancer too, so I should probably just give her a break.*

So after wiping my eyes dry, I moved on to Project Runway for completely tear free entertainment. I was so relieved that they kept all four designers for fashion week! I was worried about Michael's dress, it's not that it was bad, it just kind of looked like something compagnie express would knock off as an inappropriately sexy prom dress. I loved Laura's dress, and even though I wanted to rip an internal organ out of her when she announced her pregancy and said that she would throw her sixth child "on the pile, with the others" (She's 43 years old, people), I basically like her. Uli pulled it out in the end, I loved her dress. Jeffrey tanked on the "romantic" dress. Romantic my ass, he's as romantic as soppy french kiss with way too much tongue. What an asshole. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, who also happens to be the mother of his kid. The neck tattoo makes me want to puke. Can you imagine having to put your face in that? Can you tell I don't like him? BUT...You've got to admit, the guy has some talent. There is no fairness in life, as any infertile knows. That yellow haute couture dress was fabulous, and that recycled paper dress probably should have won. His jet setter outfit was good, but again, if made me nauseated, because it was so...Him.

Michael is the opposite of course, delightful in every way. I don't think he's said one bad thing about anyone during the whole show. You know he is going to be the audience favorite, how could he not be? Is he gay? Is the answer to that question old news? As much as I love that show, I don't follow much of the outside gossip. I think I have just wanted to believe he is the sweetest straight man ever. I hope he can pull off something good for the finale.

*Here is much better discussion of the topic: http://www.slate.com/id/2108863/

Comments

[Lut C.]

Just yesterday I was talking to someone about blogs and what the hype is all about. He only knows 1 blog, and thinks it's a boring account of just another Joe Average's life. It's little more than a diary, he said.

He's right, but then again, he's so wrong. Before I could figure out how to explain, we were interrupted. Good thing, because I don't think I could have explained very well.

I didn't see that Daily Show obviously, but I can understand that this one would leave a bad taste in your mouth. Not only does she gloss over the ordeal that is ART, but she feeds the idea that it is ok to wait. It's a lost opportunity to inform the public. Though I also understand her need for privacy.

[Theresa]

Oh Patricia-those miscarriages are heartbreaking losses. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I am sitting here at 8 weeks 6 days with my 3rd-most likely my 3rd loss-if the 3rd ultrasound this coming week does indeed confirm what I suspect since I began spotting Fri afternoon-that the already slow heartbeat has stopped altogether-and it is killing me. Last night I got dd (4.5 from China) out of the tub. She had her baby doll in the tub and we were wrapping a little towel around her doll and dd asks "Do you think it would be fun to have a real baby?" and I hugged her close and said "Yes sweetie I do." Ugh! Infertility truly sucks! I wanted this so bad for dd and have even been getting shots in the rear end for 5 weeks to try to support this pg. I just keep hoping this might change dh's heart re. adopting again.

You will also appreciate this because 2 weeks ago after the first dismal ultrasound the director of admissions of the place we had applied to place my dad (vascular dementia)emailed to say they had a sudden opening-and we had a day to decide. My mom decided to try to keep Dad at home for now because she doesn't want me dealing with anything else right now.

[Donna]

I tried to follow the Oprah interview by the closed captioning at the gym, I got most of it I think. Your miscarriages are real losses, despite the fact they don't have names. That just makes it harder for others to talk about them in a meaningful way. I too way hoping she would let on that ART was involved in her later children, but I applaud her for trying to help others. I really enjoyed their older daughter as well. I also love Michael on PR, I hope he wins.

[Leggy]

I don't know what to think of the whole Elizabeth Edwards person. As someone who's about to go password protected because there's some stuff that's just too personal to put on my otherwise public blog, I respect her need to keep some things to herself. But I do agree re: the false hope thing and if she's putting herself out there in the first place, isn't she doing a disservice? I don't know. She's human. Maybe all she can do is to offer her experiences on losing a child, grief, and late motherhood and to expect more of her is just too much. Its a tough call for me on that issue.

[Casey]

I think Michael may be the only reason I can ever convince my husband to watch Project Runway with me. I TiVo it because 10 pm is too late for me. And I, too, was relieved that they kept all four. Otherwise, it looked like Michael would be out, even though he is probably the most talented of all of them.

I find Laura to be a bit brittle. During the premiere episode she said that she always dresses up because with five kids "if you go casual, it's a slippery slope to sweatpants and a minivan."

Uh...did she just describe my life? Oh, no, I don't have a minivan yet.

Hey, a girl can dream.

[chris]

I don't know that Elizabeth Edwards is necessarily holding out false hope for other women re: conceiving at such a late age. They live around here and are well-respected and liked and I think she's probably too much of a southern girl at heart to talk too much about her girlie parts. Whatever the reason, I'm happy she was so lucky to have two more children.

[Jody]

Ah, I was just going to write about this on my blog. Because I heard Elizabeth Edwards on the Diane Reems (sp?) show this morning, and she sounded really cool. She talked about how parents worry that their children will be forgotten, that the younger the child, the greater the pain because the child has left such a small legacy. I'm not saying it very well, but I started tearing up as she spoke. She seemed very wise.

And then she was asked about the decision to have more kids (she gave an answer very similar to the one on Oprah, about trying to figure out what would give them joy, travel or what, and realizing it was children) and when Reems said, "so you decided to have more kids," Elizabeth said, "well, we tried, my grandmother had a child at fifty so we hoped we could be that blessed, too" or words to that effect.

And I more or less lost my good feelings, because it's one thing to say "How I conceived my children is none of your business" and it's another thing altogether to throw out the "fertility at an advanced age runs in my family" line. Yes, it's true (I think you might even have mentioned this somewhere) that women used to have more children well into their forties than they do now. But the odds are overwhelmingly in favor of donor egg here, and Elizabeth, with the "my grandmother had a baby at fifty," seems to want to imply that she didn't use donor egg. In which case, SAY IT. "We didn't use donor egg, we were in that miniscule 0.01 percent."

But let's face it, they probably were NOT in that 0.01 percent, and they don't want to admit it, fine, whatever, privacy etc. (I agree with Chris that a fine southern lady like Elizabeth Edwards isn't going to spout off on the radio about DE easily). But DON'T then LIE, not just by omission, but by misdirection.

As much as I make lipservice in the direction of privacy when it comes to ART, I find the coyness and misdirection so irritating, I lose my head. Either give a brief rundown of the details, or decline to answer the question on the grounds of privacy. None of this 'late babies run in my family' bullsh*t when you're promoting a book about your struggle to recover from devastating loss.

And not for nothing, but John Edwards' PAC sent out several e-mails to his campaign supporters (I count myself an enthusiastic one) asking us to support the book and Elizabeth's various public appearances. Not that it's a surprise, but whatever its other purposes, the book is part of John's campaign to become president. Elizabeth would make a fantastic first lady, and they want the world to know it.

So I tend to think the rules about "privacy" change a little, when you're using your biography to create a campaign.

Ack. This started out as a nice little note about a woman I genuinely and generally respect. The BS around DE really gets my blood boiling. Sorry about that.

[millie]

Hm, I remember when that Slate article first came out. I've got to say that I'm a huge fan of Elizabeth Edwards. Not just because she went to my alma mater for both undergrad and law school (her husband only went for law school), but I met her and immediately respected her.

I didn't see the Oprah interview. I do know what she's said in the past is that 'don't ever assume it was easy for me to have these children' and that she pursued ART without saying DE. Now it appears that she's saying less than that. It's funny because I was arguing with a fellow blogger (and someone who's pursing DE herself) just last week because she was sure EE 'came out' in People during the campaign.

I guess I'm hoping she believes, like I do, in the difference between privacy and secrecy and that this is her children's story. Maybe we all read into it a little bit of what we want.

Didn't that pregnant Project Runway chick let folks at a cocktail party name her last child? I'm pretty sure I read that in a names blog.