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August 22, 2004



Primary or secondary, the coming to terms with the grief of realizing you need to stop is the same, I don't care the label.

I've been struggling with this myself and have been trying to finish a post explaining this. For me, it's figuring out what's next because I have primary infertility.

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to want more and you don't have to be handed a shit sandwich and tell someone, "Thank you, may I have another?" with style. I can't stand when someone says, "But others have it so much worse." "Yeah," is my usual reply, "And some have it better."

Thinking of you.


Everything you said has so much truth in it...All of the things that you are mad about seem justified. I really believe that people should stop judging anothers pain altogether...secondary...primary...does not matter it is a loss of a dream...

I am so sorry....


The whole primary v. secondary, I can't comment on. I'm thridary (my own special catagory).

I would be angry if my husband said "done". The day the words "no" slip between his lips, Homeland Security would have to move the alert up to orange, or red, or whatever the highest color is.

I'm sorry about your BFN. I hope you don't quit blogging.


I'm very sorry.


I agree with Marla. I'm just speaking for myself here, but the word NO would be a serious problem at this point. No doesn't solve anything for me, at least not yet. No doesn't make it better or go away or change. There's got to be a compromise somewhere or there's going to be a lot of resentment.

You're husband has some valid points. I've felt that way myself at times, like I was putting my life on hold because of this. But I still don't think stopping would help me.

I hope things look up for you. Hang in there.


I'm so sorry...I totally understand where you are coming from. Thinking about you.

Jen P

I am so, so sorry and wishing I had wonderful words to say like the others. I so know the ache of being told 'no more' and it sucks. All of this sucks. You deserve so much more. Thinking about you and wishing you feel better soon.


I hope he just needs some recuperative time.
I'm primary IF though prematurely worrying about secondary/ tertiary and could care less at this moment.
Such a strong post. I'm so sorry.


I'm sorry, but... THREE miscarriages? You have EVERY right to be angry and sad. I don't care if you have primary, secondary...whatever. That kind of experience just plain sucks.

When I was going through the "heart" of all my treatment, I got incredibly depressed. I could barely function at times. The TV was my best friend. One day my husband said, "You're not the person I married. I'm scared for you, and I think you need help." That was the wake-up call for me. I never said "no more" (neither did he) because I wasn't capable of thinking in those terms at that time, but I did take a well-needed break. Maybe that's what you need...simply to rest and be sad and angry too. You can always save the decision making for later...even if it's only a month or two later.

...I'm so sorry to hear your news.


Ah...my name's "Heidi" not "Here". Not sure what happened there. Sorry.

Karen M.

Oh, I am so sorry. I'm primary IF but believe me, I know that three miscarriages are an absolute world of pain. Wish I could do something for you besides just commiserate.


I'm so sorry. :(
Hugs to you.


Fellow SIF sista in arms here. We share the same reality, you are just a little farther down the road than I--my husband would never even consider IUI ("if it doesn't happen naturally, then obviously, we are only meant to have more than one")
I am so incredibly sorry that this IUI didn't end happily, I am sorry that your hubby does not share the same dream...and really, I am more sorry for the latter. A negative can be temporary, can be ammended at a later date. A fundamental difference of priority-well, that one is just harder to bear and hurts just a little more.
I hope that with some time and perspective, that there can be a common ground obtained once again.
I just want you to know how much my heart is aching for you after reading this post. Your truth is so close to my truth. I wish I could make that truth less painful for you right now, but all I can really do tell you that someone else in the blogoshpere understands you. I hope that your glass becomes more than half full, and quickly!

Brooklyn Girl

I'm sorry you're going through such a bad patch right now. Wishing there was something I could do.

barren mare

Wow, there is a lot going on here. I think you have a lot to work through, and hopefully you can keep blogging as that happens. Your anger and pain are so very valid- at your husband for wanting to stop, at the people who don't understand your desire for another child. I so wish you well through all this, and to come out the other end at a place of peace.


I'm so sorry. You have every right to be angry and sad. I don't know why some of us have to go through so much pain and suffering but I know we'll find the strength and courage to get through it. I'm glad that you are blogging and I'll continue to read no matter where the road leads you to.


I'm sorry about everything, particularly about your husband. This is so hard to deal with - you need support, not war in your own home. I am so sorry, and hope, as Wavery said, that he just needs to recouping time.

And rimary/secondary/ it doesn't matter - the unfairness and pain of it all is the same.

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