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August 09, 2005



Have you seen the post at The Rabbit Lived: http://therabbitlived.typepad.com/the_rabbit_lived/

"My fifth choice is sleeping in the next room"

I think that sums of some of the same concepts you're trying to express. It's just silling to think of ranking choices.



That's a great post.

In this month's Good Housekeeping, Kristen Chenowith (Broadway star) wrote a guest article on adoption (she's an adoptee) that almost exactly mirrors what you said. It's a great read, too.


Absolutely brilliant post. Thank you.


I like the new look. I cannot believe the hatred on the internet right now but I'm glad it brings out pieces like this post.


Brilliant post!


Well said, eloquently, as always.


Beautifully said. I think experiencing something like infertility gives us the gift of tolerance and understanding, something that idiots who leave vicious comments don't have. There is something about if there's no struggle, there's no growth and some people just never grow emotionally, or never have a need to because everything comes easily to them.


Did you see this shit - unbelievable!!


they start talking about her on number 878

Anna H.

So, so beautifully put, Patricia.

Thank you for this.



I am always so thankful to hear your perspective as an adoptee. It gives me a sense of peace and comfort during this very confusing and somewhat fearful time pre-adoption.

You want to know what's interesting? I have two children in my life whom I have never met: my biological child and my adopted child. In this limbo state of not having either, I think of them as siblings. One doesn't replace the other in my mind. They sit side by side in the same space. I agree that adoption was my second choice, but it's not second best. I might be the fourth child in my family, but I am not fourth best in my parents' eyes. That's how I see it anyway.

I love your post so much, I may have to write about it in a couple of days. (I used the word "may". We'll have to wait and see if I get motivated.)



Thank you for this. I find the delegitimizing of adoption on grounds of "first choice/second choice" talk to be puzzling on so many levels. It functions only to narrow ideas about family, and it pathologizes the astounding capacity for the human heart to find and know love. I can't see how that's a good thing, or how it accomplishes anything of value. In my experience, love is love is love, and only those with little understanding of that can so insistently disparage adoptive families. It's not a question of quantifying love. If you open your heart to it, love just grows and grows, and reductive notions of first choice and biology just fly out the window.


Patricia, I wish you would stop making me cry. Could you try to be a little bit less brilliant and divine? It's not fair in the rest of us.


Thank you. I can't put into eloquent terms how much this moved me, so just, thanks.


I think you are absolutely right.

Heather McCutcheon

Great post. I think I always assumed as I was growing up that I would have a bio child. Very few girls grow up thinking that they may have problems carrying a child to term. But because I had grown up with adopted children in my family I also assumed that I would adopt as well. And in fact I knew that when I got married it would be to someone who understood that I wanted to adopt. We are looking at Haiti now.


What a brilliant post. Thank you.


This was awesome. Thank you.

I didn't delete that post, it's still there, somewhere. I can vaguely remember reading it and thinking "this person is a complete ass." And then the person in question emailed me, and the email contained a threat. Real nice, huh?

Anyway, thanks so much for this post. I lurve you.


That was a great post - I think you're right that we don't always know what is right for us. And while we hope to have a biological child, if this infertility thing prevents us, I'm sure we will love an adopted child every bit as much.


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