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May 02, 2006



Amen, amen. After years of infertilty and failed IVFs, we are adopting two children. Now I have to hear that old classic, "As soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant." Grrr. I want to snap and tell them only 8% of adoptive parents go on to have biological children after infertility, but then I get accused of being bitter. So I don't say anything, just grin and bear it. But you're right, not matter how you crack it, infertility is lonely business...

PS Don't quote me on that 8%, I read it somewhere, probably Dr. Google, no telling it's exact accuracy!


PPS I'm glad that your father and mother-in-law are back home. Keep your chin up.


I'm glad to hear your dad and mother-in-law are doing better and back home. I think watching our parents decline is horribly sad.

I also think that secondary if is a terrible thing because I can choose not to be in many of the situations you talk about. You can't.

Miscarriages are so lonely and painful.

Thinking of you and wishing there was something more that I could say.


What a wonderful post. When I read this:

"Everyone wants to know why this is happening to you so they can look at their own lives and make sure it won't happen to them."

...it was like a gong sounding in my head. This is exactly right -- true for infertility as well as miscarriages, though to a lesser extent, I imagine.


Well said. When I lost my little boy, a friend called in her condolences and started talking about her feelings over losing her father. I wanted to cut her off and tell her I knew she meant well but that comparing the two losses is in no way a fair comparison. I actually wanted to shout this at her but instead I momentarily tuned her out until she had said her piece. I know my loss is different. I know how intense the loss was. And, you're right, it is very lonely.


I'm so sorry about your Dad & Mother-in-Law, and glad to hear they're doing better, but thank you, oh thank you for those words on miscarriage and infertility. I've just had my "one step back" this week with the most unmerciful fight with my mother who thinks that - after five years of TTC, 2 miscarriages and 2 IVF's - it's time for me to move on. Quite how to "move on" when any time I try to talk about infertility leads to people looking at me like I'm a weirdo and changing the subject as soon as possible, is another thing altogether. Obviously it's something that I should be ashamed of - and thanks to these reactions, it IS now something that I'm ashamed of.

Time may heal all wounds, but it also makes some wounds fester. I've lost friends, become bitter, and distanced myself from my family because of this sadness that I'm not allowed talk about.

At a family christening recently, my brother's mother-in-law said gently "this must be hard for you", and I suddenly realised that she was the first person ever to acknowledge our sadness and heartbreak. The fact that she was someone I didn't know very well made the silence of those "closer" to me all the harder to take. The tacit insistence that we should be cheerful all the time, that we're not crushed by our losses, that we're just so-darn-delighted to attend every christening and child's birthday party going has worn me down just as much as my infertility has.

Maybe I'll be able to take my "two steps forward" in a little while, but this week has been a bad one, and your post just about saved me from feeling like I was the only person ever to feel like this. Thank you again.


You are so right about all of it...feeling unnatural, like something is wrong with you, feeling awkward talking about it, trying to quantify the feelings of loss and loneliness. I don't believe you get over this, as you said, it's a chronic condition that you manage, sometimes better than others. I know you are cherishing the time you have with your parents.


Wow. Well put. As always.

Sorry to hear about the other family troubles.


This is exactly what it's like. All of it. How well you write. How well you think!


You're so right, that people want to know, but they don't want to have to deal with the pain and the difficulty.

I hadn't before appreciated what you say about having to deal with other mothers' conversations. You're right, as primary infertiles we can avoid some of that.


This week I reminisced about last year's volunteer luncheon at my son's school, hoping this year would be better. Last year, his K teacher remarked to the crowd that she wished I had more and more children so I could be a K parent volunteer over and over again! I was mortified. I reminded her that I'd wanted more children, but I am SIF and can't; I am sure she knew that. She just blinked at me blankly, not apologizing in the least, then started in on the next volunteer project in the works.

I have found ways to be mortified at scouts, kiddie athletics, birthday parties, pretty much you name it. Sometimes I feel like I'm setting myself up for it just by attending, but I have to balance it against my kid having a life.


"Miscarriages are the loss of a future."

Perfectly said.

Failed IVF cycles hurt, too, and the fertile masses don't realize that either. Not because we attain and lose a pregnancy, but our hopes and dreams are dashed to pieces.


Amen! This comment may be a bit late, but I've noticed a lot of the fertile masses don't want to talk about infertility. My family has a tendency to assign blame with infertility. And it hurts.
This may be a little late, but I've gone through 3.5 years of IUI and IVF with ICSI, and have had two stillbirths and two miscarriages. The last stillbirth was April 5th of this year. I'm 37 years old and not sure if we're going to try to adopt or try again, this time with donor sperm. The last stillbirth has been taking a toll.
Thanks for your post, it's so bang on.

Cara Fletcher

I am really glad to her your parents-in-law are doing better.About the miscreages-the life is not full without them.And I also wanted to tell you that if you are going to trying to conceive the ovulation kits will help you alot.


Thank you for sharing. It was well written and helpful to see that I'm not crazy for feeling similar things.

Leslie Thomas

Im not one to judge or categorize someones miscarriage because of their age. Im 26 and keep having miscarriages. Im married for the second time and still have miscarriages. I had one last weekend of march 21. So age is the last conclusion that I jump to. My mother-in-law keeps asking, "So when are you all going to give me grandbabies. You all have been married for 6 years already?"----OMG! Believe me if I could I would be popping them out, but I cant seem to get past the first trimester. Eventually we will have to decide what to do; when to stop and change our goal; our hopes and dreams. My heart goes out to you, regardless of age, I know the infertility in which you crave to fix.

I also want to address the issue not mentioned how the insurance companies (whom which probably have a litter of children) have grouped fertility issues with tummy tucks and other "non-necessary" medical issues. What is that about? I wished that at least one of the people who decide on this was in our place. Our body may not shut down and stop working from not being able to carry a child-but it sure feels like our brains and souls do.


I just finished having my second miscarriage (both before 8 weeks gestation) and I've been searching sites for information. We have a beautiful 3 year old but have been trying for the past year for another with no luck. You're story and humor has been the most calming advice/info I've read all day. Good luck to you and thank you!

Elena k

You took my words and thoughts right out my mouth and many others who have gone and are going thru samething I to have a beautiful little 4year old and after her we tryed to have another child but I had 4miscarriagea I to get asked hurry up you need to give your child a sister or brother I wish some would understand that I never chose to have secondary infertiliy and I have to live with the pressure and guilt that my daughter may never have a sibling so for those with no understanding because you have not gone thru it yourself for just a momment put yourself in others shoes and stop asking thar dreaded question when are you going to have another one why don't ypu instead tell me how beautiful and wonderful your daughter is and then it would make me feel proud not so miserable and guilty because I failed to have another child .

Liz Rice

It is nice to know there are people out there that do know how you feel. Although I don't ever get to meet or associate with them. Thank you for putting my feelings down which can be so hard to express to others and even to myself!


I am in the midst of my third pregnancy lost and this summed up how I feel too. I have one son who is four and has been saying he wants a brother or sister since he could talk. I don't think I will be able to try any more. Three losses is too many I couldn't handle a fourth. I feel so lonely. Thanks for this blog.


Thank you Thank you Thank you. I finally don't feel so alone. I think sometimes secondary infertility sucks so badly because people think you are already a parent and have chosen this path of 1 child which makes you strange. To make matters worse you have 1 child so you truly know how much you are missing.


Good to find these comments. We're all not alone... We've gone through secondary infertility and more recently two later miscarriages in six months... But absolutely blessed to have an awesome 4 year old boy who is quite comfortable with being an only child. Early forties and coming to grips with getting on with life and enjoying it to the fullest possible as a tight group of 3.


Pretend we're interested or feel judged. Yes. That is exactly how I feel. Currently I'm being judged harshly for requesting that my parenting friends do not try to help me get through my miscarriage grief in any way. What they do not understand is sometimes I have really horrible thoughts like, "I hate all mothers." They don't deserve to be on the receiving end of that. And I don't deserve to have to squelch my feelings. Thank you for being honest. I think though that we are fighting a losing battle.


Thank you for telling it like it is. I stumbled upon your page by searching, "sucks for you i didn't have miscarriages" which is how people seem to view me. I've had 2 consecutive miscarriages and no prior babies, so your honest and very poignant post is much appreciated.

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