life on the precipice

I have not dropped off the face of the earth, although I kind of felt like it for a while.

I don't have the time now to write a long post but one has been brewing for weeks.

The bottom line is that I am tired and sad. The dark cloud that has followed our family has not departed yet - the stress of getting laid off in the middle of kitchen remodel just about sent me over the edge, or maybe it almost sent my husband over the edge, which in turn, sent me to the precipice as well. Watching money drain out of savings at an alarming rate, with no money coming in, is a very sick feeling.

A very good friend's best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer recently, it looks like she has a good chance of recovery, but will have a mastectomy soon. This is the same friend that lost her best friend from childhood five years ago to lung cancer.

My stepmother broke her leg last Thursday, and is completely incapacitated. She's driving me crazy.

I miss my Dad, I miss him the way he was before dementia. And I miss the calming and evening presence of my Mother-in-law. My husband constantly worries about his Dad because he is so very, very lonely without his wife of 49 years and 9 months. Sometimes his Dad just calls my husband up and starts bawling. It's unbearably sad. And my husband gets put in the position of feeling like he needs to save his Dad's life.

On top of everything, almost two years later (in November) I am still feeling the anguish of my miscarriages. As my son begins first grade, I see all the younger siblings that my son could have had, the three year olds, the two year olds and the one year olds. I have progressed from my dark days, but I have not progressed that far. I am left with a vague feeling of sadness that I have come to believe will never go away. I no longer remember my due dates as they pass, but different things remind me of my losses. Almost all of my infertile friends have moved on. Two or three have left it altogether because they just can't take it. And I can't say as I blame them. Most of my infertile friends have or will have babies either through birth or adoption. I feel lonely where I once felt safe.

Getting laid off just postpones any hopes for adoption right now. Getting financially secure again feels very far away.

I guess sometimes things happen in threes, or in my case, tens. Can someone make it stop now, please?

Comments

[Julianna]

Oh Patricia.

It is just so very much sometimes. What you and your family have had to endure is unthinkable.

Know that so many people care and wish there was something we could do.

It completely sucks.

Thinking of you,

[millie]

I wish I could make it stop. You would be at the top of my list. I can't believe how much you've had on your proverbial plate. And how much it has truly sucked.

I know that dark place all too well. It has such a strong power. Thinking so much of and for you.

[Leggy]

Wow- that's a whole lot on your plate. I'm sorry its so very stressful and depressing. Aging/sick parents, money problems, unresolved/lingering IF- that's a lot going on in the brain at one time. I hope you can find a way to work through it all. Thinking of you.

[dinoD]

Thank-you for posting. I tend to get a little worried (obsessively) when someone is going through a rough time and stops writing.
My son is starting kindergarten in a couple of weeks and I so know how you feel about seeing all the potential siblings. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around all the miscarriages without just going down for the count.
Please try to take care of yourself (it's easy to forget about with everything else you're dealing with right now).
DinoD

[Lut C.]

I don't know what to say. I hope things start improving soon, and that your sadness fades.

[art-sweet]

Dear G-d,

This is ridiculous. Please stop being mean to Patricia. Now.

Thanks,

Art-Sweet

[Julie]

Sometimes it just seems like everything gets thrown at us all at once, doesn't it? I hope you catch a break soon, and at the very least have some warm fuzzy goodness to lift your spirits a little. Thinking of you (and your family).

[BeckyZ]

Good god what a load--I will pray that your load gets lightened in the days to come, if that is okay....

BeckyZ

[marla]

i haven't been around in awhile... but you were on my mind the other day. weird how Inet connections are weak, yet viable.anyways, i'm sorry you are going through this. what words can i offer? i don't know, but if you want to talk i'm here.

[Emily]

I'm sorry. I hope it changes for you soon.

[thalia]

Ugh what a shitload of crap you're having to deal with. I do wish I knew how to make it stop.

[Jody]

I'm so sorry. You've had such a long, hard stretch. I hope life changes for the much better soon.

[the king of sorrow]

life sucks, tired of life needs .
the money make it hard very hard.

[extreme magic sing]

I'm sorry to hear those words...i know you can make just believe in yourself,we all know that this is not easy but if you have faith you can survive on that condition.

-Ava