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September 01, 2006



This is a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts around this.


Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.


As usual, a very empathetic and thoughtful post. I have many dark secrets (or truths) from my life. Sometimes they make me a champion of my current life, and sometimes they make me weep in a corner. A year and a half after giving up on having a child of our own, my husband's grown son showed up in our lives. The last time D had seen him was before his 1st birthday, long story, but he'd given up his parental rights when the boy was about 10 so that the step-father could adopt him. Now we have him back and he could not be more like his father than if they spent every single day of their lives together. Your life is the only one you get, I'm so glad you don't wish it had been different.

Lut C.

Food for thought.


Julia's post also touched me similarly. I feel like there is so much stuff that I thought was dead and buried from the past, but it keeps rearing its ugly head. But yet, I don't wish my life was different (well, except for having another child.)


I find the whole adoption debate so fascinating, so complicated, and so troubling emotionally that I don't know where to begin. BUt thank you (and Julia, I did read that post) for bringing the issues up so well and so thoughtfully.

I find it very healing to hear you say that you would not have had it any other way. That helps.



Very thoughtful post!


I think it is remarkable when one woman's journey can resonate with another woman out here in blogland.

And now you've passed it on to me (and all these others). I've been really struggling with my miscarriages because I wanted my kids to be a certain number of years apart. The farther I get from that number, the more I freak out. And now I realize that this is probably the by-product of growing up with siblings so much older than me.

But, I wouldn't change my life either, which means it must have been okay. So, I'll try (once again) to just let go of the notion of how many years apart my kids have to be (especially when nothing in this fertility journey is guaranteed anyway).

(I hope this doesn't seem trivial when compared with the mental debate over adoption. What I meant to say was thanks for giving me some clarity.)


Very well said. My thoughts on adoption haven't gelled enough yet for me to make any sense out of them. I lurk on a listserv about adoption from Pakistan and I hear the "I wish I'd done it sooner" and "It's the best thing ever". When I first joined the group I probed them to talk critically about their experiences but it's not that kind of a group I guess. My attachment to having a biological child isn't so much an attachment to seeing my own genes...it's more that I really wanted to see my husband's genes carried on... I have no personal experience with adoption.
All I know about is from my friends in the computer. But I can't help but think about it deeply and critically. How can you not?

Anyway, thanks for this post.


It is difficult to overcoming our fears to try to make our dreams come true.

My past was something similar to yours with your relationship with your brother. It's so odd that we have so many common things in our lives.

My brother (who is 5+ years older) and I never got along. As adults we are cordial to each other, but nothing deep. When I started having troubles ttc #2 and we finally ended up adopting (we just got back from China 2 weeks ago!), my children were 6 1/2 years apart. I hated the distance because I feared that the large age gap would mean the same fate for my two kids as it did my brother and I. But really what it boiled down to is personalities. Josh is easy going, playful and open to new things, so he has enjoyed having Brooklyn, despite the age gap. I hope their relationship continues to grow as they get older, but for now I am pleased with this first step.

One last thing since this is getting long. I'm glad I made the decision to adopt, even though they are not nearly as close in age as what I wanted, but I couldn't stand the thought of having an only child. I guess that outweighed and won over my fears. I knew I couldn't have my children close together in age, but my maternal longing for a second child stood out strongly and I am glad I listed to my instincts.

I know you are going through a lot of difficult times right now, but I hope you can find a peaceful place and be able to make a decision.

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